Love Isn’t a Cure, But It’s a Beautiful Crutch.

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This post is inspired by one of my best friends. I met her boyfriend, Mark*, a few months before she did. He was in an awful relationship and in the midst of an awful depression– as was his current girlfriend. Obviously not a healthy couple. Finally, he gained the courage to end the disastrous relationship. Shortly after, he met my friend Haley*. Mark changed drastically once they started dating. He was so lively and joyful. As a musician he was always a passionate guy, but now he was completely inspired. His music really took off as did Haley’s own art. They were a beautiful couple…a healthy couple. Haley always had a really good head on her shoulders. Even in the worst of times, she has always remained positive and strong.

Anyways, after about 18 months of dating, Mark’s depression and panic attacks started to come back. He quickly turned to drugs and found it almost impossible to be around Haley. She tried so hard to talk to him, to help him. He couldn’t take it. The girl who once fixed him could no longer help. Mark soon broke up with Haley. They were now both depressed. Haley will be okay, as she always lands on her feet. But Mark is different. 2 months after their break up (they still speak everyday– he can’t seem to leave her alone) he began dating another girl. He took her on vacation and wrote her love letters– the whole deal. Haley saw texts he sent this other girl saying “I love you.” Obviously, after an intense 2 year relationship, Mark was not in love with another girl. He was looking for love to cure his depression. He was in a terrible state when he met Haley and once they started dating he felt better. Once his depression crept back in he assumed there was something wrong with the love that once fixed him. The medicine was no longer working and he needed something else. Mark has yet to realize that love is not a cure, but it can be a crutch or a band-aid (whatever metaphor you like).

I’ve seen this before and I’ve done this myself. You’re feeling depressed or you’re having anxiety issues and suddenly they disappear because you have fallen in love or are infatuated with someone. However, that can never really fix the problem. Only you can fix yourself. Love can be a beautiful support mechanism while working through your issues, but it is so important that you never look to love to fix you. Not only will you break your own heart, but you will break someone else’s as well.

Through my anxiety issues these past few months it was frightening the first few times I was with my boyfriend and he couldn’t fully distract me. I didn’t run away to find someone else though. I felt what I needed to feel. I looked inside myself to solve the problems. I used my therapist to guide me. And I used my boyfriend as a crutch when I felt like I was going to fall down.

Love can certainly be the glue that keeps you together when falling apart. However, it’s up to you to figure out and fix why you fell apart in the first place.

*names changed for privacy

Love cannot sol…

Love cannot solve your problems, but it can hold you up while you solve them yourself.

Negative Energy: Is It Yours or Theirs?

Sometimes we feel bad and just don’t know why. I have those moments pretty often. It’s like everything is going great and BOOM- suddenly I feel anxious, sad, nervous, the whole works. I decided to keep track of when these moments occur and realized it’s often when I’m in a situation where there is some sort of negative energy. What I mean by this is: for example, you are having a great day and you’re on your way to a dinner party at your friend’s house. Once you get there you suddenly just feel anxious. Well, later you may find out that your friend had just fought with one of her roommates or something. Anything that would cause negative vibes.

This past weekend I was at Governor’s Ball, a music festival in NYC. I was having a great day  and really enjoyed seeing Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. Their music was fun, happy, and the crowd was loving it. Then, we headed over to Kendrick Lamar’s stage. The people standing next to me were clearly on drugs (what else can you expect at music

sunset at Governor’s Ball

festivals), everyone was chain smoking like crazy, and I just felt a bit uncomfortable. I’m also not a huge rap fan, but my boyfriend really wanted to see him. But, hey, sometimes you end up situations you don’t like and just have to deal. Then, Kendrick started performing (not the best performance to be honest) and hearing the constant lyrics “pussy and patrone” “bitches” “mother fuckers” blah blah blah. All that negativity really started to affect me. I became really quiet, wasn’t in the mood to dance, and my mind started going to all those dark places it hadn’t even thought of all day. At the time I was pretty upset and freaked out. I wanted to leave the festival right away and go to bed.

However, once we walked away from that crowd and went to see Thievory Corporation (a great, feel-good kind of band) I could feel my mind losing control of me and my heart taking the lead. I danced with my boyfriend and enjoyed the music and the crowd. The lyrics were happier, the air was cleaner, and the audience members seemed a lot more cheerful than those at Kendrick. I felt the anxiety lift away and my happy mood came back. At that moment I remembered the advice I had received from a few people: when those sudden shifts take place ask yourself “Is this my energy or someone else’s?” The negative vibes from Kendrick’s lyrics, the drugged up audience, and maybe some unhappy people in the crowd completely overpowered me. Once I remembered this trick I used it for the rest of the festival. Whenever I found myself in a pushy crowd or a slow line full of yelling people, I made sure to remember that my energy is good even when surrounded by negativity. This helped me get through the rest of the weekend relatively unaffected by those around me.

Sometimes you aren’t the cause of your negative vibes, but you are always in control of them. We just have to remember that we pick and choose what affects us and how we feel. But first, we have to be able to identify what makes us feel certain ways. Now I know that downer songs, drugs, and angry people can really affect me even when it has nothing to do with me. Instead of going through life avoiding these things, I can just simply let them be and they can let me be: which is happy, peaceful, and kind.

Being More Dominant Than Your Mind

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Panic attacks are terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. The worst part is, once you have one you often have a constant fear of having another one, which only enhances the chances of that happening. You must not fear your own emotions. They cannot harm you. I will write more about that another day. This post is about snapping yourself out it before it starts and having a way to calm yourself down without medication or a 10 mile run.

Personally, I worry about things that I know are silly. My separation anxiety kicked in this morning when my boyfriend left for work. That terribly annoying voice in my head started freaking out saying, “He can’t go!” “What if I never see him again!” “I need him!” “I will be okay if he is here, but I won’t be okay if he’s not here”…the list goes on and on.

The thing is, I can easily rationalize this anxiety. I know I will see him after work. I know I will be fine without him. I know that only I can control my anxiety and therefore, having him around isn’t going to prevent such things. But why can’t that rational part of me be in charge? Why is it that the anxious voice in my head is so much louder?

Well, I can’t answer those questions, but I can make the change I want. I want the insecure, silly, immature voice in my head (the mind) to be shut up by the rational, mature, stable voice (the real me). There is a very clever trick for this and I have been trying it for the past week. It definitely helps prevent my anxiety from worsening in those moments of sudden panic and irrational anxiousness. The more you do this activity, the more you will strengthen the rational part of yourself and weaken the out of control mind.

Here’s what you do: With your non-dominant hand (left for most of us) write out your irrational anxious thoughts, fears, and questions. Then, writing with your dominant hand, rationalize and calm yourself down.

For Example: Left hand: “That girl just gave me a weird look on the subway. I must look fat. Something is wrong with me. Everyone can see something wrong with me that I can’t. Do I have food on my face? Can everyone see I’m an anxious wreck? Why did she look at me like that? Oh my god, I need to go home!” 

Right hand: She could have looked at me for a million reasons. Maybe she thought I was someone else. Maybe she liked my lipstick color. Maybe she wasn’t even looking at me at all. I doubt a stranger on the subway really cares if I’m anxious or have food on my face. In a matter of 5 minutes she probably won’t even remember me. I wouldn’t remember a random girl I saw with food on her face. What is the point of worrying about the “look” I think she gave me? Oh right, there is no point. Don’t worry, it doesn’t matter.

This practice can be very helpful. The reason you write out your worried thoughts with your non-dominant hand is so that it looks like a child’s writing. This helps reassure you that your thoughts at that moment are very child-like and unnecessary. Then, the mature you, the real you, gets to come in with your regular hand writing and talk yourself out of the panic and anxiety. It’s really been helping me and it’s so simple.

Go buy a small notepad and keep a pen on you at all times. Whenever you have thoughts you know are silly, but can’t shake– just do this simple exercise.

Morning Blues

When your mind is racing, panicking, looping, and just working too hard to handle unnecessary emotions, it is absolutely exhausting. After a not-so-great day, going to bed is almost exciting because I know I finally get to rest my mind and get some relief from my anxiety. However, the hard part is the mornings. Some days  I wake up with all the

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hope in the world. The sun shining through my window, my wonderful boyfriend softly snoring next to me, and usually an uplifting text from a friend always fill me with joy. I feel ready for a day full of life and beauty. However, that’s not always the case. Other days, waking up is just awful. It feels like I wake up and suddenly remember the nightmare I sometimes live, filled with anxiety. I start to dread the day ahead of me because I remember all the feelings and fear I had to face the day before and will possibly have to face again. On those days, I just want to go back to sleep.

There are many ways to uplift your mood in the morning and I have found a number of things that have helped me get my day started on a better note. I have had many suggestions from different people and some of those things work for me and some don’t. However, I’ll mention them all because what works for one person may not work for another and vice versa. Lately, I’ve noticed that when I wake up I feel fine until I remember my anxiety. It’s as if my mind is saying “Don’t forget the pain!” Stupid mind.

So a good idea is to just shut up your mind right from the start. Once you wake up and come back to the world, stretch out a bit, hug your pillow close, snuggle up and take a few deep breaths. Remember the comfort and beauty around you. Then, there are a few approaches you can take: physically, nutritionally, mentally.

Physically:

– One therapist told me that in order to get “happy chemicals” going, I should get up right away, blast a fun song, and then sing and dance my heart out. Scream the lyrics, jump around like a maniac, wave all your limbs around. Look as stupid as possible basically, but feel great doing so.

– For those of you who have roommates like I do and don’t have the freedom or confidence to take that approach, there are other options. I’m sure we’ve all heard this a million times, but go for a walk or a run. If it’s a sunny day, the sun will warm up your soul. If it’s a rainy day, enjoy each drop that touches your skin. Pay close attention to your senses as you walk around. Don’t walk and worry, just walk and enjoy the moment.

– Go to the gym and have a hard work out. Get those endorphines going! Running always makes me feel great. It gives me a natural high and starting my day off on a healthy note puts me in a better mood right away.

– Yoga is always a great activity for calming the mind. It helps at any time of the day, but if you’re like me and mornings are particularly difficult, it is helpful to have a yoga class you get up and go to right away.

Nutritionally:

– Eat a great breakfast. Make sure you have protein and carbohydrates. It’s the healthiest way to start your day and it gives you energy. Remember, anxiety uses up a lot of energy mentally and physically. You need to start your day off with a good breakfast in order to build up the strength to conquer those frustrating emotions and thoughts that may arise.

– Coffee. I know there are plenty of studies that say coffee and any caffeine can make anxiety worse, but personally it helps me. I feel more alert and awake, which actually helps calm my mind. I don’t feel like I’m missing something while writing a paper or whatever. Also, anyone who is a regular coffee drinker knows how comforting the smell of coffee can be. So, that’s a plus as well.

– Yogurt! One time I was in a state of utter dread. I ate a nice big cup of yogurt and talked with my roommate for a bit and I swear it made me calmer. When I explained that to my parents, they just giggled and said whatever works, works and to just go with it. Then, just the other day I read an article on unexpected foods to lift your mood and yogurt was on there. I know it sounds weird, but it worked for me, so maybe it’ll work for you!

Mentally:

– When you wake up and suddenly feel those unwanted feelings grab your cell phone or laptop. I know not everybody has a smartphone, but if you do, get Instagram and follow photographers who upload photos that bring up positive emotions in you. I post mostly photos of nature or yummy food or my dogs. Photos that make me feel good, so feel free to follow me: samrushh. When I wake up the first thing I do is look at photos that make me feel good. It reminds me of the beauty my day could be filled with. Also, follow people on Twitter who post inspirational and uplifting quotes. Before you get out of bed, look at wonderful photos that remind you of beauty and read quotes or articles that give you hope. It really has helped me on a daily basis. Social media can be used for so many things. No one is too old or too young when it is used right. Use these tools to your advantage!

– Meditate. I will be posting about meditation many times on this blog. It has proven to be effective in treating stress and anxiety and I am living proof of that. When you start your day, meditate before you do anything else. That way you quiet your mind and relax instead of waking up and starting the marathon your mind likes to run. For those of you who haven’t tried meditation I HIGHLY recommend you start. I resisted it for years and then finally started and it has made more of a difference than anything else I have tried. Check out my post about meditation on my other blog: HERE.

– Read a bit of a book that comforts you. For me, this book was The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I read it for 15 minutes every morning before heading to work or class or whatever. It was a nice reminder to stay present, observe your mind (instead of being it), and to just be. I’ll be writing more about this book in the future. I also HIGHLY recommend it. It has helped me and millions of other people. Reading something also gives your mind something positive to focus on. It helps prevent the mind racing that can start so suddenly the moment you awake.

General Tips:

– Don’t set your alarm for a time that will cause you to be rushed. Set your alarm so that you have at least 15 extra minutes to do calming activities when you wake up. It will also help reduce your stress from the start because you won’t be rushed. You will have time to breathe.

– Drink a glass of water. Water is very grounding and not starting your day off dehydrated is helpful in every area of life.

– Talk to a loved one. A nice 10 or 15 minute catch up phone call is heart warming and reminds you that you have support  and love in your life.

– Decide on a treat you will give yourself that day. If you have an awesome date planned for that night, then great. If you have no fun plans and it seems like it’s going to be a long day of stress and exhaustion, then throw a few pieces of chocolate or something in your bag or car. A nice little pick me up to put a smile on your face.

– For those of you who are religious, or even those who aren’t. Praying for a good day filled with peace puts your mind in the right place from the start.

These are my suggestions for you. If you have other suggestions you think I should add to the list, just send me a message! We have to help each other out. Also, there are certain things that have worked for me that may not work for you. Some of these suggestions aren’t really up my alley, but they may be just right for you. You won’t know until you try!

Keep trying and keep hope. Starting your day off anxiety free will have wonderful effects on the rest of your day!