Love Isn’t a Cure, But It’s a Beautiful Crutch.

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This post is inspired by one of my best friends. I met her boyfriend, Mark*, a few months before she did. He was in an awful relationship and in the midst of an awful depression– as was his current girlfriend. Obviously not a healthy couple. Finally, he gained the courage to end the disastrous relationship. Shortly after, he met my friend Haley*. Mark changed drastically once they started dating. He was so lively and joyful. As a musician he was always a passionate guy, but now he was completely inspired. His music really took off as did Haley’s own art. They were a beautiful couple…a healthy couple. Haley always had a really good head on her shoulders. Even in the worst of times, she has always remained positive and strong.

Anyways, after about 18 months of dating, Mark’s depression and panic attacks started to come back. He quickly turned to drugs and found it almost impossible to be around Haley. She tried so hard to talk to him, to help him. He couldn’t take it. The girl who once fixed him could no longer help. Mark soon broke up with Haley. They were now both depressed. Haley will be okay, as she always lands on her feet. But Mark is different. 2 months after their break up (they still speak everyday– he can’t seem to leave her alone) he began dating another girl. He took her on vacation and wrote her love letters– the whole deal. Haley saw texts he sent this other girl saying “I love you.” Obviously, after an intense 2 year relationship, Mark was not in love with another girl. He was looking for love to cure his depression. He was in a terrible state when he met Haley and once they started dating he felt better. Once his depression crept back in he assumed there was something wrong with the love that once fixed him. The medicine was no longer working and he needed something else. Mark has yet to realize that love is not a cure, but it can be a crutch or a band-aid (whatever metaphor you like).

I’ve seen this before and I’ve done this myself. You’re feeling depressed or you’re having anxiety issues and suddenly they disappear because you have fallen in love or are infatuated with someone. However, that can never really fix the problem. Only you can fix yourself. Love can be a beautiful support mechanism while working through your issues, but it is so important that you never look to love to fix you. Not only will you break your own heart, but you will break someone else’s as well.

Through my anxiety issues these past few months it was frightening the first few times I was with my boyfriend and he couldn’t fully distract me. I didn’t run away to find someone else though. I felt what I needed to feel. I looked inside myself to solve the problems. I used my therapist to guide me. And I used my boyfriend as a crutch when I felt like I was going to fall down.

Love can certainly be the glue that keeps you together when falling apart. However, it’s up to you to figure out and fix why you fell apart in the first place.

*names changed for privacy

Love cannot sol…

Love cannot solve your problems, but it can hold you up while you solve them yourself.

Internal Shifts Cause External Shifts

I was absolutely exhausted when my alarm went off this morning. I thought it must be a cruel joke or something. I pressed snooze, but then decided to just get up since I was actually headed to my therapy appointment to start off my day. I had just enough time to get to my car, stop home to change, and then get going (not enough time for coffee though, ugh). I found a parking spot right across the street from my therapist’s office only to realize I had no quarters for the meter. Luckily, I was 10 minutes early and the meter had 5 minutes left. I ran across the street to the 7/11 and got some change (and a Reese’s 🙂 ). I popped my quarters in the meter, went inside the building, hopped in the elevator and checked the time. My appointment was at 11 and it was 10:58. Perfection. I was feeling good.

When I walked into my therapist’s office there was another woman sitting there. My therapist accidentally double booked us. She asked if I could come back in an hour. I smiled politely and said “Of course! No problem!” Of course it was a problem! That stupid little voice in my head started screaming and crying: “Now I need more quarters for the meter! I just wasted money! I don’t want to move my car! What will I do for an hour alone?! I really needed this appointment right now!” Blah blah blah. I plopped in a chair in the lobby of the building with an unnecessary lump in my throat and evil little butterflies flying around my stomach. I looked outside at the crisp blue sky, the lovingly warm sun, and the bright green trees. My true self finally kicked in and I realized I could have a great hour. I was in an adorable part of Boston and it was a beautiful day.

I got myself up and started strolling down the street. I realized that now I could get that coffee I wanted. I found a cute cafe and got a delicious iced latte. While I was at it, I got some change for the meter. Problem solved. Then, I drank my latte and answered a few emails on my phone. Once that was done, I continued to explore the area and found a rack of dresses outside a small boutique. They were all on sale for $25. I’ve been looking for some cute sun dresses lately with no luck, so this was rather convenient. To my luck, I found the perfect blue dress and it fit as if it were made for me. A little retail therapy is sometimes a good thing. I continued to walk around and ran into an old friend! I didn’t know he was in Boston for the summer as well. We chatted a bit and decided to get lunch sometime this week. All of a sudden the hour was over.

I went back to my car and put some quarters in the meter and went back into the office feeling more ready for my appointment than I had before. My latte woke me up, my new dress made me optimistic, and seeing my friend took away the loneliness and betrayal I had felt when my therapist disappointed me earlier.

An unfortunate mistake made by my therapist put me into a horrible dark place at first. However, once I realized that it really wasn’t a big deal my inner energy changed. I made the space for myself to have a great hour filled with surprises and freedom. An hour to do anything I want and to see where life took me. And look what happened! I got an awesome latte, a cheap new dress, and another friend to hang out with for the summer. When things are good inside, they are good outside. Today was a nice reminder that we really do have so much more control than we think. When you override that silly voice in your head and allow your true self to shine through, very few things can bother you, and many wonderful things can happen. When things shift internally, they shift externally.