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This post is inspired by one of my best friends. I met her boyfriend, Mark*, a few months before she did. He was in an awful relationship and in the midst of an awful depression– as was his current girlfriend. Obviously not a healthy couple. Finally, he gained the courage to end the disastrous relationship. Shortly after, he met my friend Haley*. Mark changed drastically once they started dating. He was so lively and joyful. As a musician he was always a passionate guy, but now he was completely inspired. His music really took off as did Haley’s own art. They were a beautiful couple…a healthy couple. Haley always had a really good head on her shoulders. Even in the worst of times, she has always remained positive and strong.
Anyways, after about 18 months of dating, Mark’s depression and panic attacks started to come back. He quickly turned to drugs and found it almost impossible to be around Haley. She tried so hard to talk to him, to help him. He couldn’t take it. The girl who once fixed him could no longer help. Mark soon broke up with Haley. They were now both depressed. Haley will be okay, as she always lands on her feet. But Mark is different. 2 months after their break up (they still speak everyday– he can’t seem to leave her alone) he began dating another girl. He took her on vacation and wrote her love letters– the whole deal. Haley saw texts he sent this other girl saying “I love you.” Obviously, after an intense 2 year relationship, Mark was not in love with another girl. He was looking for love to cure his depression. He was in a terrible state when he met Haley and once they started dating he felt better. Once his depression crept back in he assumed there was something wrong with the love that once fixed him. The medicine was no longer working and he needed something else. Mark has yet to realize that love is not a cure, but it can be a crutch or a band-aid (whatever metaphor you like).
I’ve seen this before and I’ve done this myself. You’re feeling depressed or you’re having anxiety issues and suddenly they disappear because you have fallen in love or are infatuated with someone. However, that can never really fix the problem. Only you can fix yourself. Love can be a beautiful support mechanism while working through your issues, but it is so important that you never look to love to fix you. Not only will you break your own heart, but you will break someone else’s as well.
Through my anxiety issues these past few months it was frightening the first few times I was with my boyfriend and he couldn’t fully distract me. I didn’t run away to find someone else though. I felt what I needed to feel. I looked inside myself to solve the problems. I used my therapist to guide me. And I used my boyfriend as a crutch when I felt like I was going to fall down.
Love can certainly be the glue that keeps you together when falling apart. However, it’s up to you to figure out and fix why you fell apart in the first place.
*names changed for privacy
For The Anxious Mind 